Stuck In Neutral

Shawn describes his seizures, how even though it looks as if he’s in pain, he thinks they’re wonderful. During a seizure, his vision shuts down, then he sees colors, and finally he sees images coming from inside his brain. The medicine he’s given makes the muscle spasms less severe, easing his pain, so the seizure only affects Shawn’s brain. He starts smiling and laughing uncontrollably, which makes his family uncomfortable and upset but makes him feel like real happiness. After the laughter, Shawn sees his memory of his surroundings swirl around him, and the images become very clear. Then, “a part of me rises from my body. I watch; I guess what I mean is that my spirit watches my bent, unconscious body from somewhere outside myself” (34).

The first time this happened, Shawn was terrified and thought Shawn was dead, but he has learned to enjoy his trips, even if he can’t control them. They make him feel independent and free in a life of total dependence. Even though he has no body, he is in control of his motions and can do everything other people do, everything he’s ever wanted to do, like go to the ocean or tell his dad he’s okay.