Swimming in the Dark

“Some people, some events, make you lose your head. They’re like guillotines, cutting your life in two, the dead and the alive, the before and the after.”

Ludwik believes that people have this influence because of his departure from Poland and Janusz. Janusz has such an impact on Ludwik that when they split, it feels as though Ludwik is now living a completely different life. He defines his life as divided into the time before he meets Janusz and after.

“So we’d sneak away without a word and imagine we were pirates riding through the city on our own. I felt both free and protected in his company.”

Beniek is Ludwik’s first crush and the first boy whom he feels attracted to. The attraction is not merely physical, however, as Ludwik enjoys his company and feels safe with Beniek. This demonstrates to Ludwik at a young age, even if he does not realize it, that he can have a meaningful relationship with another man beyond his sexuality.

“I was aware of wanting to see Beniek naked, surprised by the swiftness of this wish, and my heart leapt when he undressed. His body was solid and full of mysteries, white and flat and strong, like a man’s (or so I thought).”

As Ludwik’s relationship with Beniek goes on, his feelings of attraction become stronger and often surprise Ludwik. In this instance, the desire to see Beniek naked comes quickly to Ludwik and is a natural occurrence. Even Ludwik’s reaction to seeing him naked is natural, with his heart reacting. The naturalness of Ludwik’s desire suggests that the shame he feels later is unnatural, imposed on him by society’s prejudices.