Swimming in the Dark

Ludwik is the protagonist and narrator of Swimming in the Dark. Much of the novel consists of letters Ludwik writes to Janusz, whom he addresses in the second person. As a young child, Ludwik develops shame over his desire for and attraction to other boys. This becomes a guiding principle for him in his life, leading him to compartmentalize his sexuality from the rest of his identity. It is only as he reads James Baldwin’s novel Giovanni’s Room that he comes to think of how he lives a double life based on lies: “And the more I read, the more scared I became: the immensity of the truth and the lies I’d been telling myself all those years lay before me, mirrored in the narrator’s life, as if someone were pointing a finger at me, black on white, my shame illuminated by a cold, clear light” (47). Living with the knowledge that he is attracted to men while also never truly acting on the feeling or seeking an honest life creates a massive burden that Ludwik must carry. At the same time, Ludwik is also hiding his true political beliefs, pretending to be a true believer in Soviet ideology while privately disapproving of the Party’s policies and actions.